Dear Tracey,

Im not writting this to upset you or cause any trouble, but this has been doin my head in for at least the last 3 years but longer than that, and i mean every single day. And until i get it off my chest im never gonna have a clear mind, so hopefully, now, i will.

Incase you are wondering what im on about, try and remember what you said to me the day i confessed to you that awful thing, the hardest thing ive ever told anyone in my life. Before i go into things i want you to do something... When your daughter is 7 - i think about now, i want you to look at her.
then i want you to tell me what you would do if anyone touched her...

then i want you to tell me, why didnt my mum do that??

What you said to me, and what all the other adults said to me, and what my mum didnt do for me, are all worse than what he ever did. He is just a filthy, disgusting, gros, perverted, sick man who should be castrated. But after i told my mum what he did, what she did was much worse than him doing it.

My mum made me live in the same house as him for the rest of my childhood - what was left of it, and all of my teenage years. Until i couldnt bear it no more and i ran away, then put my self into care.

If i didnt call him 'dad' i couldnt go out. And if i did go out He had to take me anyway since we were now trapped in some poxy village miles from anywhere. I just found the whole thing so embarressing, i would absolutely cringe when the new was on the radio and it was about sexual abuse or something. I could have died, coz he knew, and i knew, and well, what can i say. I should never have been sitting it that car with him, and i certainly should never been living in the same house as the cunt.

What makes it even worse - for me anyway, is the face that the guy is a total prick anyway. forget him bein a child molesting pervert, he is a proper prick. idiot. nob. yet no one except my other brother and me can see it. Even you and john think he's alright. Well that was the last day i spoke to john, no, that was the day i realises we'd never get on properly ... i was saying how much i hated Him, and j turns round and says ''he's not THAT bad''. I knew then, we'd never be close. Do you remember it?

When i reached puberty and got my first bra, i had to cower behind the bed because he walked in - and didnt do what any normal, healthy decent gentleman would do, oh no, he found it hilarious, and while im screaming at him to get out of my room he just grins at me, and comes in, gets his cigarettes and laughs out the door. It seemed like an hour tho im sure it was only 1 minute.

Oh i know its no big deal a bloody bra and knickers set, but i was 11 or 12 - and it was a huge deal to me then. Especially after id already been abused by him at 7 or 8.

SEVERN or EIGHT. Oh yeah J, he's not THAT bad is he.

well, each to their own i spose. But im sure your wondering why am i telling you all this. Because Tracey, I have NEVER, EVER, NEVER, felt dirty, or ashamed, or guilty about what happened, because - fortunately - I always knew that HE was in the wrong, Not me at 7 Years old.

I never felt any of them things, until the day that i told you.

I told you, and YOU said, ''so why did you go away with him then?''.

I was so shocked that i didnt manage to answer you properly, god knows what i said, and since then it has been on my mind day and night, and until i explain myself to you, i wont feel any better. So THAT's why im telling you all this. not to cause trouble, not to go 'boo hoo me'', just because I want to feel better.

and id like to point out that i dont feel sorry for myself, i dont think ive had it so tough blah blah, because im well aware that most people have had it alot worse than me, and EVERYONE has had their shit to deal with. But this is MY shit, and im dealing with it.

So, why did i go away with him?

Well, as far as im concerned, i didnt. I went away with my mum and my brother.

All those years being forced to grow up in the same house as him, we pretty much kept out of each others way. i referred to him as the 3rd person and we were hardly ever in the same room. i never looked him in the eye and tried to ignore the moron where ever possible. And AS SOON as i was old enough, i left home.

But what you gotta understand is, i was still close to my mum, its because of how much i love my mum that i never took him to court. oh i broke down in care and told the so-called carers what he did, trying to explain that that was possibly part of the reason why i had gone off the rails and played up so much. But the councillor pointed out to me what would happen if i did take him to court.

she said everyone would find out and my mum would be harrased in her home, and i couldnt bear that. So i dropped the charges. Same as i did the last time, but ill get to that in a minute.

Do you know what my darling mum did when she found out id told the councillors??

She came marching up to the care home, with a list of boyfriends id had at school, and told them that i was a slag. Her words. I was a slag.

I remember screaming at her, crying my eyes out as usual when i spoke to her, i said - ''so your telling me that even if i had slept with all these boyfriends im meant to have had, your telling me that

'a 14 year old - and - a 14 year old is the SAME as a 7 year old - and a 40 year old?????''.

I cant ever begin to tell you the pain and hurt my mum has caused me in my life over this. I understand that she didnt want to be on her own, pathetic as that is, and i know that all she ever wanted was a to have a normal, happy family. Wasnt it enough that i kept my mouth shut for her all those years, protecting her. We may have brushed it under the carpet but did she REALLY think that i had forgotton it as well??

Anyway, my point is this, although i hate the things my mum has done, anmd the desicions she has made, she's still my mum, and i would die for her, i love her so much.

And although i ran away, and moved out ect... I was never ready to totally split from my mum. And i had a good idea that it was a strong possibility that id never hear from her again if i was to tell you about it. And i didnt want to tell you, but circumstances that week meant i HAD to tell you.

WHY I TOLD YOU

I dont know what order or what dates exactly, but i think it was all in the same week, these conversations took place...

Cath, my step-sister, was also abused by her own father at age 4. I cant tell u how much i hated her for letting it happen to me as well.

Well that week, i spoke to her on the phone and she told me that she had been on holiday with my mum and him.

the first thing i said to her was ''wernt you worried about the kids?''

And SHE SAID ''i was only worried when he was in the pool with candy''

I felt sick. How the fuck can u let your 9, 10 year old daughter in a swimming pool with a man that abused you age 4???

Ive never been so angry in my life.

Anyways, i dont know how, but i found out that u were going on holiday with them as well.

I panicked, i didnt know what to do. I couldnt bear it if my little neice - your daughter - grew up hating me the way that i now hate catherine.

But i didnt want to tell you and ruin things with you and mum, i so desperately didnt want to cause problems coz ul never know how happy it makes me that mum and J are so close, despite im sure she thinks im jealous - probly because she was so jealous of me and mike. anyway, what would YOU have done Tracey?

So i went to my mum. I called her and explained the predicament and asked her to promise me she wouldnt leave the baby alone with HIM.

Do you know what she said? Precious is my mum. She said ''Oh not this again''.

Yes this again, this a fucking gain, thanx to you making him part of our live, this again.

I was so hurt by my mum. Do you know how that made me feel? Something so important - something which in effect has ruined my life, and she goes ''not this again''.

Well that was the day i became strong enough. To do the right thing, because when i think about it Tracey, what you said was right, how could i go away with him, but since i had been forced to LIVE with him and put up with him for the past 15 years, do you understand that 1 more holiday was really not that big a deal?
I was so thrilled at finding my brothers and the idea of having a family holiday with Mick was just brilliant, he didnt even come into it.

I know ive gone a long way round to explain myself, but i hope that you can now understand?

But you were right, i shouldnt even have anything to do with him, and that means having nothing to do with my mum.

That was a huge desicion to make, telling you, as you can see now, for more reasons that one. but it had to be done.

Turns out i didnt need to worry did i?

1. you never leave the little one alone.
2. And 2 you didnt care anyway.

Well, at least i can say my consious is clear anyway.